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6 Things You Don't Want Pumpkin-Spiced

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With the beloved autumn season upon us, the suddenly popular vegetable known as the pumpkin is given its annual 15 minutes of fame, bringing zesty fall flavors to many aspects of life, ranging from scented candles to craft IPAs. But despite its cult following and dynamic applications, some things in society should be left void of all things “pumpkin spice”:

 

1. Tootsie Rolls

This is a travesty. But it's already happened, so let’s go ahead and pause for a moment of silence while we honor a perfect staple of our tooth-decaying childhood that's fallen victim to the devious pumpkin.

 * 60 seconds of silence *

The Tootsie Roll is (well, was) a perfectly crafted candy that needed no modification whatsoever. You can’t fix something that isn’t broken to begin with — you’ll only create more problems. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened to the Tootsie Roll. This is a devastating blow in the world of sweets, and we mourn its bastardization every day. We only hope those responsible will one day be brought to justice.

 

2. Tequila Shots

Let’s face it, tequila in straight shot form is consumed for the sole purpose of getting you drunk as quickly as possible, despite its disgusting taste. Save for the lime that follows, there's no possible way to find relief from the repugnant flavor you’ve just subjected yourself to, so why bother trying to help with a pumpkin-spice-flavored variation? It would be a waste of a pumpkin that could be better used for other things. Stay away.

 

3. NyQuil

Following in the footsteps of the previous entry, the cold-relief drug NyQuil isn’t necessarily known for its delicious, filet mignon flavor, and, if abused, comes with consequences that counteract the reason you took it in the first place. Thus, if Nyquil’s licorice-syrup taste is improved and made desirable, it runs the dangerous risk of becoming addictive, and planet Earth as we know it will face an epidemic of drowsy, autumn-flavored addicts complaining about neverending stomach aches. And we all know the PSL they’d reach for as a pick-me-up would just exacerbate the problem, leading to the longest bathroom lines in the history of mankind. So let’s just do everyone a favor and don’t even go there.

 

4. Envelope Glue

Envelope glue is a truly fascinating substance in the sense that you have no idea what’s in it, but you eagerly surrender your tongue to its surface anyway. But what if that bland paper taste had a spice to it that just kept you licking … and licking … and licking, completely succumbing to the addictive flavor? Imagine what that could lead to, between the threat of paper cuts and incredible amounts of time wasted. For the sake of the health of you and your loved ones, pumpkin spice envelope glue should be avoided at all costs.

 

5. Perfume

Don’t be fooled, this includes those pesky men’s cologne, too. A pumpkin spice fragrance is an abomination that should be universally condemned, as it forces the October scent onto unsuspecting victims without consent or warning. Given that there's a decent amount of the human population that prefers to not be struck with unsolicited pumpkin flavors, a pumpkin spice fragrance brings the scent of trouble with it. Don’t even think about it, Tommy Hilfiger.

 

6. Surge

I don’t care if you were properly raised in the '90s or are a new convert to the palpitation-inducing drink, pumpkin spice Surge has no business existing in any way, shape, or form. Surge itself is practically a speedball mixed with high fructose corn syrup and green food coloring. There’s no telling what dangers would arise if pumpkin spice were added to that recipe. We can only assume that the infusion would cause a massive nuclear reaction resulting in fallout of radioactive chemicals and pumpkin seeds, the latter of which would spawn mutant pumpkin beasts that would make the vengeful creature from “Pumpkinhead” look as tame as a My Little Pony.

 

Thanks to our friends at The Peedmont who contribute to EventZingo. For more from Virginia's most trusted satirical news source, visit them at The Peedmont.

 

Ready to get out and spice things up? Check out:

10 Fantastic Fall Festivals to Experience the Best of Richmond

 

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